Hello,
So this week our garage sucks. The
button won't open it and we were gonna be late. The door has this key thing you
put in it but we are dumb and didn't know what to do, so we were like we gotta
pray. So we said a prayer to open the door, and lo and behold, second click on
it and it opened. So now we just pray that it will open and it does hahah. So
great.
This week, well I guess these are
feelings more from last week, but I just hate being "the new one" I
just feel like people don't trust you, you try to talk and they blow you off
and act like you are not there, I was teaching a lesson to what we thought (and
still hope to be) a golden investigator, and we brought a member with us, I feel
like every time I opened my mouth she would just like chuckle at me like I was
saying dumb things or something, but when Sister Lebaron talks she looks at her
like she is god. I just get the feeling that no one thinks I am capable, no one
trusts me to do a good job or to give them the info they need. Like in Ward Council
meetings. Then I just feel stupid, then I am hard on myself and then I
just don't WANT to talk. I'm just like “well Sister Lebaron, they want to talk
to you not me. So go for it. YOU can talk about it because even if I tell them
something they just turn right to you and ask you all these questions and I get
their back turned to me”. So. Fine.
Sister Lebaron says “well you have
good things to say and I like what you say”. I told her I just feel totally
worthless and insignificant to everyone including her. SHE'S the one that
teaches, we still have a problem with her being more dominant, but it has
gotten better. She just talks and talks and talks, I mean she teaches really
well and she is a good missionary, but usually (at least for what I have seen)
one teaches something then they look at their companion, then they teach, well
Sister doesn't do that. She doesn't look at me at all. Ever! So
I'm like okay when do I jump in, where do I pick up the lesson, what the heck
do I teach? Who knows. So yeah. I just feel so unimportant and like I
just don't need to be here.
But then in companionship inventory,
I think it was the best one yet. I always cry. For me companionship inventory
is sometimes like a venting session. I just tell her how I feel and I cry a
ton. I told her that she had it covered and that she doesn't need me and
that I just felt worthless and incapable, and not important, I have no part
here. but I told her I appreciates that she listens to me and my dumb problems
from home because that is what I struggle with the most, and that I liked that
she just listens and always has something helpful to say that I feel is
genuine. Then she started to cry and was like I listen because I care. Not
because I'm your companion or your trainer or because I have to, but because I
care about Samantha Morgan. I love you, I care. And so we are both crying and
probably looking way dumb but she was like I DO need you, there are times where
I have a brain fart, and you jumped in and knew just what to say to keep the
lesson going on a door step or something. She said I do need you, you ARE
important, and you DO have good things to say. Anyway. I still feel like I
don't sometimes but...that too shall pass??? Maybe?
Pssh, then we had the Hermana STLs
come and does a comp. study with us. They asked me at the end how training was
going and I was like I HATE IT. Cried
through that too. Whoops.
Well anyway, so cool story:
like 2ish weeks ago we were planning on visiting less actives, so we are
going to this guy’s house, and we see that there is an older man outside and we
are like well...HE was put in our path so we need to talk to him, so we go over
and spend like an hour talking to him about family history and stuff, anyway we
had to leave to go to another appointment, so we never knocked that less
actives door. So this older man - Darrel, he is considered a potential
investigator now because we taught him and said we could come back. so we were
really not knowing what to do, we didn't feel good about the plans we had
already made so we prayed to know what to do or where to be, Sister LeBaron was
like I think we should go see Darrel. So we go and knock on his door and no one
answers. So we are walking back to our car like what the heck? Then we see that
less actives house....we both look at each other and say "we never saw him
like we planned that one time" basically, we had the same thought at like
the same time, so we go and knock that door. Well, that is when we met
Jay. The less active that was supposed to be there moved. He was spewing all
this golden investigator stuff, like he has been seeking truth his whole life
and he didn't like the church he was raised in (protestant.) so we taught him
the restoration and he listened, he was very nice but you could tell he wasn't
sure or disagreed with some stuff, but anyway, we gave him our card and he said
we could come back. So a few days later we get a text from him saying
"hey this is jay do you want to stop by sometime again?" and we were
in the church and we just started like flipping out and jumping up and down and
totally being...not very reverent....shame on us. But we were so excited. he is
one of those people that asks super deep questions, and he thinks there is like
a million different ways that one can get to god, and that there are so many
truths and stuff, and we are like no. one truth, one way. Well that is our next
lesson anyway. So that was cool. I invited him to read the BOM and pray, he
said he didn't care to know it was true or not and I was like well then what
truth are you seeking? he said well I believe that this is the word of god, but
I feel like I want to act out of love verses out of my ego (i know that is
confusing but It made sense when he was talking but I can't remember what he
said exactly) and I was like well, you said that you believe god IS love, so
why would reading his words cause you to act otherwise? Then he was like well
the word of god is in all things like the wind and water and stuff...geez. We’ll
see how that goes! hahaha but he is way cool and I like teaching him.
Sister Lebaron showed me this cool
thing. so in 2013 Christmas thing, Pres. Monson said "let the Christmas
spirit be a springboard into the new year, so we always have the spirit of Christ"
or something like this. So Sister Lebaron was like I made a springboard
journal, So I write down what I learn, and that will be a springboard for the
rest of my life. So she writes things like how to be a good member missionary
or things she wants to do in her family. That is cool, so I started one. It is
super exciting.
I GOT TO GO TO THE TEMPLE GUYS!!!
HOLY!! it was amazing!!!! I LOVE THE TEMPLE. I was like I'm gonna go
crazy, then our zone leader was like we get to go Friday, luckily we found a
ride, and went Friday morning. AH the BEST!!!!!! best day of my liiiifee!! That
temple is sooo so pretty. It is like in the middle of a forest and then BAM
there it is. So great.
OH, so guess what, this Saturday is
exchanges, and guess who gets to stay in rocky butte and lead the area? Yours
truly. Yippie skippy. I told sister LeBaron that when she comes back and all
our investigators dropped us don't be surprised. So we will see how THAT
goes.
Oh so we met this lady that was like
I don't have to pray, I don't have to go to church to be a good person. And I
was thinking about it later and was like who said anything about that making
you a good person? That isn't what makes you a good person; I mean it surly has
an impact and influence. But umm..it is a commandment. Also, she was like all I
have to do is believe in god and his grace will save me, not my works. I was
like whoa. Hold up. so if god has ONLY asked us to believe (which he has asked
us to believe) then why has he given us other commandments, like let’s say the
10 commandments just because usually people know what those are, why would he
give us that if all we had to do was believe? Why would he ask us to pray or to
go to church or to study the scriptures? Why? No. our works matter, if you
follow the commandments, that matters, it you don't that matters. Anyway. Not saying that is doctrine that is just my
opinion...so...yeah.
Also there was this guy we met while
tracting, he believes that you have like a gajillion lives and you just keep
dying and coming back to earth until you "get it right" we
didn't say too much to him at the time, but I was thinking about that too.
No. we have one life. One truth. One
way to get back to Heavenly Father. That way is through his son. This life is
the time to prepare to meet god (Alma 34:32) Christ suffered for all YOUR sins,
so that you can be forgiven, so that you can have that clean slate, so you can
overcome your weaknesses. So if we had 1000 lives or whatever, we
wouldn't really need the atonement. The atonement to me is personal. I
learned it is a very personal way. I know that the savior truly did suffer for
you. He suffered for me. He bled from every pore, he was tortured, mocked,
beaten, FOR YOU. IN YOUR BEHALF.
(D&C 19:17-18) Can you even imagine how much love he must have for
you, to allow that to happen to him? That, the atonement, is the ONLY WAY, you
will "get it right" that is the only way you will be able to be found
worthy to live in the presence of your Father in Heaven. (2 Ne 31:21) I
personally don't want his suffering to go to waste. I know that the power that
the Atonement holds is real. I know the peace it can bring, especially when you
feel completely hopeless, that there is no way out. There is a way. There is no
place too low, too dark where the savior cannot go, he has already descended
below that. Therefore he DOES know how you feel because he suffered that, and
he overcame it, so we can too. We have this life, one shot, don't let his
suffering go to waste. it is for everyone. We know Heavenly Father and Jesus
Christ love ALL of us, not just SOME of us, ALL of us. You are important to
him. Nothing he has to offer is for just someone else. It is for you.
Anyway. love y'all guys. Hope all is
well where you are. OH AND I TURN 2 TOMORROW!! yayaya. 2 months! No one
cares! hahahahahaha
