So this week our garage sucks. The button won't open it and we were gonna be late. The door has this key thing you put in it but we are dumb and didn't know what to do, so we were like we gotta pray. So we said a prayer to open the door, and lo and behold, second click on it and it opened. So now we just pray that it will open and it does hahah. So great.
This week, well I guess these are feelings more from last week, but I just hate being "the new one" I just feel like people don't trust you, you try to talk and they blow you off and act like you are not there, I was teaching a lesson to what we thought (and still hope to be) a golden investigator, and we brought a member with us, I feel like every time I opened my mouth she would just like chuckle at me like I was saying dumb things or something, but when Sister Lebaron talks she looks at her like she is god. I just get the feeling that no one thinks I am capable, no one trusts me to do a good job or to give them the info they need. Like in Ward Council meetings. Then I just feel stupid, then I am hard on myself and then I just don't WANT to talk. I'm just like “well Sister Lebaron, they want to talk to you not me. So go for it. YOU can talk about it because even if I tell them something they just turn right to you and ask you all these questions and I get their back turned to me”. So. Fine.
Sister Lebaron says “well you have good things to say and I like what you say”. I told her I just feel totally worthless and insignificant to everyone including her. SHE'S the one that teaches, we still have a problem with her being more dominant, but it has gotten better. She just talks and talks and talks, I mean she teaches really well and she is a good missionary, but usually (at least for what I have seen) one teaches something then they look at their companion, then they teach, well Sister doesn't do that. She doesn't look at me at all. Ever! So I'm like okay when do I jump in, where do I pick up the lesson, what the heck do I teach? Who knows. So yeah. I just feel so unimportant and like I just don't need to be here.
But then in companionship inventory, I think it was the best one yet. I always cry. For me companionship inventory is sometimes like a venting session. I just tell her how I feel and I cry a ton. I told her that she had it covered and that she doesn't need me and that I just felt worthless and incapable, and not important, I have no part here. but I told her I appreciates that she listens to me and my dumb problems from home because that is what I struggle with the most, and that I liked that she just listens and always has something helpful to say that I feel is genuine. Then she started to cry and was like I listen because I care. Not because I'm your companion or your trainer or because I have to, but because I care about Samantha Morgan. I love you, I care. And so we are both crying and probably looking way dumb but she was like I DO need you, there are times where I have a brain fart, and you jumped in and knew just what to say to keep the lesson going on a door step or something. She said I do need you, you ARE important, and you DO have good things to say. Anyway. I still feel like I don't sometimes but...that too shall pass??? Maybe?
Pssh, then we had the Hermana STLs come and does a comp. study with us. They asked me at the end how training was going and I was like I HATE IT. Cried through that too. Whoops.
Well anyway, so cool story: like 2ish weeks ago we were planning on visiting less actives, so we are going to this guy’s house, and we see that there is an older man outside and we are like well...HE was put in our path so we need to talk to him, so we go over and spend like an hour talking to him about family history and stuff, anyway we had to leave to go to another appointment, so we never knocked that less actives door. So this older man - Darrel, he is considered a potential investigator now because we taught him and said we could come back. so we were really not knowing what to do, we didn't feel good about the plans we had already made so we prayed to know what to do or where to be, Sister LeBaron was like I think we should go see Darrel. So we go and knock on his door and no one answers. So we are walking back to our car like what the heck? Then we see that less actives house....we both look at each other and say "we never saw him like we planned that one time" basically, we had the same thought at like the same time, so we go and knock that door. Well, that is when we met Jay. The less active that was supposed to be there moved. He was spewing all this golden investigator stuff, like he has been seeking truth his whole life and he didn't like the church he was raised in (protestant.) so we taught him the restoration and he listened, he was very nice but you could tell he wasn't sure or disagreed with some stuff, but anyway, we gave him our card and he said we could come back. So a few days later we get a text from him saying "hey this is jay do you want to stop by sometime again?" and we were in the church and we just started like flipping out and jumping up and down and totally being...not very reverent....shame on us. But we were so excited. he is one of those people that asks super deep questions, and he thinks there is like a million different ways that one can get to god, and that there are so many truths and stuff, and we are like no. one truth, one way. Well that is our next lesson anyway. So that was cool. I invited him to read the BOM and pray, he said he didn't care to know it was true or not and I was like well then what truth are you seeking? he said well I believe that this is the word of god, but I feel like I want to act out of love verses out of my ego (i know that is confusing but It made sense when he was talking but I can't remember what he said exactly) and I was like well, you said that you believe god IS love, so why would reading his words cause you to act otherwise? Then he was like well the word of god is in all things like the wind and water and stuff...geez. We’ll see how that goes! hahaha but he is way cool and I like teaching him.
Sister Lebaron showed me this cool thing. so in 2013 Christmas thing, Pres. Monson said "let the Christmas spirit be a springboard into the new year, so we always have the spirit of Christ" or something like this. So Sister Lebaron was like I made a springboard journal, So I write down what I learn, and that will be a springboard for the rest of my life. So she writes things like how to be a good member missionary or things she wants to do in her family. That is cool, so I started one. It is super exciting.
I GOT TO GO TO THE TEMPLE GUYS!!! HOLY!! it was amazing!!!! I LOVE THE TEMPLE. I was like I'm gonna go crazy, then our zone leader was like we get to go Friday, luckily we found a ride, and went Friday morning. AH the BEST!!!!!! best day of my liiiifee!! That temple is sooo so pretty. It is like in the middle of a forest and then BAM there it is. So great.
OH, so guess what, this Saturday is exchanges, and guess who gets to stay in rocky butte and lead the area? Yours truly. Yippie skippy. I told sister LeBaron that when she comes back and all our investigators dropped us don't be surprised. So we will see how THAT goes.
Oh so we met this lady that was like I don't have to pray, I don't have to go to church to be a good person. And I was thinking about it later and was like who said anything about that making you a good person? That isn't what makes you a good person; I mean it surly has an impact and influence. But umm..it is a commandment. Also, she was like all I have to do is believe in god and his grace will save me, not my works. I was like whoa. Hold up. so if god has ONLY asked us to believe (which he has asked us to believe) then why has he given us other commandments, like let’s say the 10 commandments just because usually people know what those are, why would he give us that if all we had to do was believe? Why would he ask us to pray or to go to church or to study the scriptures? Why? No. our works matter, if you follow the commandments, that matters, it you don't that matters. Anyway. Not saying that is doctrine that is just my opinion...so...yeah.
Also there was this guy we met while tracting, he believes that you have like a gajillion lives and you just keep dying and coming back to earth until you "get it right" we didn't say too much to him at the time, but I was thinking about that too. No. we have one life. One truth. One way to get back to Heavenly Father. That way is through his son. This life is the time to prepare to meet god (Alma 34:32) Christ suffered for all YOUR sins, so that you can be forgiven, so that you can have that clean slate, so you can overcome your weaknesses. So if we had 1000 lives or whatever, we wouldn't really need the atonement. The atonement to me is personal. I learned it is a very personal way. I know that the savior truly did suffer for you. He suffered for me. He bled from every pore, he was tortured, mocked, beaten, FOR YOU. IN YOUR BEHALF. (D&C 19:17-18) Can you even imagine how much love he must have for you, to allow that to happen to him? That, the atonement, is the ONLY WAY, you will "get it right" that is the only way you will be able to be found worthy to live in the presence of your Father in Heaven. (2 Ne 31:21) I personally don't want his suffering to go to waste. I know that the power that the Atonement holds is real. I know the peace it can bring, especially when you feel completely hopeless, that there is no way out. There is a way. There is no place too low, too dark where the savior cannot go, he has already descended below that. Therefore he DOES know how you feel because he suffered that, and he overcame it, so we can too. We have this life, one shot, don't let his suffering go to waste. it is for everyone. We know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love ALL of us, not just SOME of us, ALL of us. You are important to him. Nothing he has to offer is for just someone else. It is for you.